When Have I felt I was of infinite Worth

The answer to today's question.

I have had a couple of extremely sacred experiences where I have literally felt the love of Heavenly Father. Both of these experiences happened when I was feeling totally desperate. And I was crying out for help. Once for myself and once for another person. The assurance that I was of infinite worth was simultaneously present with the assurance that each of us are of infinite worth. The first experience was the result of feeling hurt, angry, perhaps even total hatred towards someone else. Along with the love I could feel for myself I new that Heavenly Father valued my enemy just as much as me. And that I could forgive. The second experience I was not understanding the suffering I was seeing another go through. Again, I felt the pure love Heavenly Father has for us, and our infinite worth. I am sure that my glimpses were just that glimpses. That I do not truly understand mine, or anyone Else's worth. As I reflect on the questions of the last week, And as I remember again these sweet experiences, It occurs to me that these true feelings of infinite worth have come as I have admitted in total humility my nothingness.

what is valuable

Value. How do we determine value? Jacob asked me last night what I would wish for If I had one wish. When I didn't answer he said that he would wish for a money press. I then proceeded to teach him about currency and how it was truly worthless. That we just use it to simplify trade of things we deem valuable.

This morning The question in my loop was How can we be of infinite worth and be nothing without God
This made me think of little children and how they feel so desperate sometimes with out their parents, yet can be confident and strong in the security of their home with parents.
Then I had a conversation with a young mother who was feeling like a failure because her homemaking skills were not perfect.
So what constitutes value. Do we have to accomplish something? Do we need to look a certain way? Serve a certain way? I am beginning to wonder if it is even possible to produce anything of real value? If we are vegetative we have value. When Larry was dying this last month, he gave very little in the way of what we want from someone. But he was valuable to his family. WHy? Why were we sad to lose him? It wasn't because he was waiting on us. IT wasn't because he was entertaining us. It wasn't because he was giving us gifts or money. In fact some may have defined his existence as a burden. Yet we wanted him to stay with us. We valued him as a person.
Heavenly Father values us because we are his children. Not because we are perfect. The commandments he gives us are for our benefit. Not to secure his love. We do not have to earn his love.
Sometimes in the church we forget about grace. Grace is the saving aspect of the atonement. It is the resurrection of all. It is the ability of Christ to make up for our shortcomings. And it is the pure amazing love that he has for us.

listening

I have been thinking a lot about listening lately. It bugs me when people don't listen. But I wonder if that is because it is so hard for me to listen. Last week I heard someone say how irritated they were with people that don't listen. This struck me as funny as I had often thought how much this same person did not listen to others very well. Later I heard someone else express frustrations on how another person did not listen. And someone said to me that I did not listen. Crazy.

So i have studied the art of listening. And I understand how to listen. Yet I still do not listen well. When I pay attention to how I listen my relationships improve. When I don't they deteriorate. I have noticed that I have more influence listening than I do talking. When someone listens to me I feel loved and valuable. When I am lectured I feel ignored. I love those who listen well. I also have noticed that when I listen to the spirit. I feel peace and power. When I don't things fall apart.
Goal for the week. Listening.

whine

So here I sit trying to think of something positive. All I can think of are whines. Which is sad really because I have not had a bad day.... so what is my deal... I wonder. Okay......Positive. I am blessed. I guess I am just tired. I did not accomplish all I needed but I did try to do good stuff. So I guess I need to not be angry and disappointed in myself or others.

Do Good Stuff

The Bishop said yesterday to just do good stuff. I have been wondering what percentage of my time is spent doing good stuff. Working is probably good. I need to do that. Being obedient. Reading the scriptures. etc. Today I did some good stuff. But I also spent some time being lazy. I don't think that I did really bad stuff. lets see.. I worked. I showered. Went for a walk with Liz and John... But I did whimp out early. I got Jakes part. Went grocery shopping. But ate a pepperoni stick. put groceries away. helped john. surfed the web. recorded food. did not eat a good dinner. So some good a little bad. What would a day completely full of Good stuff look like. I will try that tomorrow. What was my goal yesterday... Honesty. I think I am being honest today.

Honesty. # 1

What does it mean to be honest. Does it mean that I blurt out all of my feelings. Or does it mean that I I have to tell everything that happened to me. It does not. Besides what might be reality to me might not be to someone else. Being honest means never cheating. giving all that I say. keeping my promises and being true to my commitments. Sometimes it means being uncomfortable and being embarrassed. But it rarely means embarrassing someone else. Expressing my negative opinions does not mean being honest. My opinions are not equivalent to truth. Real truth, is rarely hurtful. It seems even when I do not want to admit the truth, when I do, It is not nearly as painful as the lie was. So my goal. Tell the truth. The real truth. 2011 is to be a year of truth.

tired ramblings

It has been a long week. I have done okay with some things and not so okay with others. I wish I could be some great spiritual giant. But I struggle. Not that I have never had a spiritual experience. I have had lots, and received many many blessings. I just feel like I don't really stay in tune with the Holy Ghost. IS that because I am rebellious? Tired? Disobedient? Dishonest? Probably all of the above. I guess Heavenly Father does bless me to know some of the important stuff. But I surely do not earn this inspiration. Do we need to earn inspiration? Hmmm... I wonder. Or do we just have to listen. Maybe I just am so busy being selfish, I do not listen. I wonder. Bottom line is all of the above are symptoms of selfish. If I understand this how do I stop. I think my kids are sometime much more mature than I am. How is that? Okay.... Maybe I need to make goals to be less selfish and to listen to inspiration more. I will have to do that. I commit to setting spiritual yet concrete goals by this time tomorrow.

New Day, New Year....not so new me.

Today is tough. Can I think of something positive? My heart aches today for my failing and for the consequences of that failing. Not my own consequences but the consequences suffered by my family.
Wow! I got interrupted and came back and read that. Is that selfish and prideful? I think when I wrote that, I was trying to sound all humble and repentant. It sounds more like another "everything is about me" statement though.

Okay. . . . . I want my children to be perfect for me. Therefore, if they are "perfect" I will look "perfect" because they came from me.

I know that is not true. but I want it to be. So now that my kids have made a few mistakes and "don't look so perfect" I am going to blame it on me too.

My thoughts are not even making sense to me. This is so confusing. Am I crazy? I wonder, I wonder if I will ever be sane.

Okay....so back to my poor choices. Those same kids, will someday come to understand that I am human. I have really screwed up. I have made terrible mistakes. I am not responsible for the choices they make as adults. I love them. I can work on loving them better. I can work on taking care of myself better. I can learn to understand Heavenly Fathers love.
So guys. My life is going to be shorter because of my choices. I may need assistance from you as my health deteriorates from my obesity. I am sorry. I am going to try and lose weight. But I can not do it to save you the heart ache of caring for me or losing me or not having me as available as I should be now. I have to do because Heavenly Father commanded us to take care of our bodies. Because He has commanded us to develop control of our natural man. And because I will be blessed. Because I will grow spiritually. Because I will feel better physically. Because I will have clearer thoughts.

Is That positive. Is this appropriate for this blog... I wonder . I think I will post it anyway.