My journey began last December. I don’t really know why then, but I was ready to change and so now I am working on that change.
Skinny is never what I have been. Although, as a kid, I thought that I was the skinny one in the family. I remember the first time I realized that I was not “skinny” was in jr high, and I really badly did not want to be one of the fat girls. I asked my mom how you lose weight, and she said I would have to not eat cookies and cakes and stuff. We were in the car on our way home from the grocery store, and as was the tradition she was opening a package of cookies to share. I said no thank you. I did not eat one. It felt really good, and was not that hard.
But something changed in me. I don’t really know what or when. But I became obsessed with food. So much so, that by the time my 5th child was born, I was physically and mentally tormented by even the idea of being deprived of having food. I felt desperate and crazy for the 6 or 7 hours I was in the hospital in labor. I remember telling people that I could not stand “being in the hospital” but what I meant was: bring me cookies! Never told anyone that before.
Eight years ago when my youngest was two, I knew something needed to change. More than just food was out of control in my life. ….ok Life was out of control. I was losing my children. They saw me and my husband’s lifestyle for what it was, and associated it with what we professed it to be. So they turned their backs on the one thing we had to offer that could bring them ultimate joy. Why, probably because we had turned our backs on it, even though we were pretending to embrace it. That was the gospel of Jesus Christ. That is when I was introduced to 12 step programs as a means of addressing weight.
This program changed my life. . . . At least while I embraced it. It brought me back to the gospel of Jesus Christ; internally, spiritually, and emotionally. I also lost 70 pounds. As I experienced success, pride snuck back up on me. And one day I was just eating nonstop. Then before I knew it I was pretending again. And making excuses for my weight gain. “Life was stressful, you know”
I gained it all back plus more. And I lost the peace and joy I had felt for that year. Somewhere in there I quit looking at the scale, even when I went to the Dr. I caught glances, but I quickly put those numbers out of my head. At age 46 I was diagnosed with diabetes. But worse than this, I had become a compulsive liar. I was lying about everything including the diabetes.
But I couldn’t keep lying. Truth was beating me up. I could hardly walk. I felt like I just wanted to lie down and die. At the same time my husband had been facing diagnosis after diagnosis that was life threatening at worst, and debilitating at best. In Sept 2010 he had what was probably his 3rd TIA, which were not really even treated, because of his other problems, and it hit me, my children (our youngest was 9) were going to be orphans…….soon.
I decided that I was going to start a diet with the new year (you know “resolutions” ) I had a Dr’s appointment on Dec 27th. I didn’t really looked that close at the scale, but I saw that my weight started with a 3. But then it had for a long time. On Dec31st. I decided not to wait until Jan 1st. and I began eating healthy and writing everything down. I did this through January and decided to join Patty in following “be healthy quick” program in February. I still struggled with “crazys” and obsessing about food and wanting to eat all of the time. My Heavenly Father loves me though, and a friend called me and asked me to join a study group to go through the LDS 12 step program.
Sometime toward the middle of February I went back to the Dr. for a medication follow-up. I knew I had lost weight and I wanted to know exactly how much. When I got on the scale I weighed 321. I almost died. How could that be?! When I asked how much I was on Dec 27th she looked and said I had weighed 346. If you are reading this you should know, that I am now crying. It is killing me to write these numbers. To tell anyone how much I weigh is mortifying. I don’t want my friends and family to realize how out of control I was, but I was completely out of control. You do not get to this weight enjoying an occasional bowl of ice-cream with your hubby. Let me tell you, it requires seriously ugly, binging and eating immense amounts of calories. The worst part about this though isn’t the getting fat. It is the crazy, angry, selfish, behavior that was in fact my lifestyle. But my denial was powerful. Even when I knew I needed to change, I didn’t think I was the typical 300 pounder. And to find out I was well on my way to 400 lbs. was so painful. Yet I still think I was in denial even then.
So now it is September. I am still struggling sometimes. But I am working this program that is changing the way I feel. When I follow the program, I feel so great! I sleep less. I can walk faster. Not super-fast, but so much faster than before. The other day I had to climb a bunch of stairs. I faced them with my usual trepidation, but when I reached the top, I could hardly tell I had climbed stairs at all. I am going to try to remember to race up the next long flight of stairs, just to see how fast I can do it. Magically, my house is cleaner. And I really enjoyed planting and caring for flowers this year. I have found a new thrill. “CANNONBALLS” Okay. Really just jumps into the pool, but I sure didn’t do that the last 10 years. (oh and yes that is only because there is now a pool in our very private back yard) And guess what? I ordered my passport the other day.
A very huge part of this has been doing the 12 steps. As I live honestly, and seek the help of my Heavenly Father, I feel safe and sane. This in turn makes it easier to follow the program. Eating the prepared meals, and the one lean and green meal are so easy though, that I can stay on even when I am white knuckling it. Studying the Habits of Health, and getting the practical information, as well and the understanding and encouragement that I can live a lifestyle of optimal health is so exciting. I am truly looking forward to living this lifestyle and eating in a way that makes me feel alive. I really want to just shout it from the housetops. I want to serve others. I want to make a difference in the world.
I have a long way to go. I now weigh 257. I am not even half way to my goal. But I have amazing days filled with joy. Free of pain or ”fogging brain” syndrome. I know that I cannot do this alone, but that I don’t have to. I don’t just want to put off dying anymore. I really want to live.
