PERFECT JOY

So I am thinking tonight that I should add to this blog and write something inspirational. I am not sure that anyone will ever see it. But on the off chance one of my children run across it I should definitely add to it occasionally

I am not feeling particularly profound right now. But I have certainly felt the spirit working in my life as I try to improve and live closer to the Savior. Not perfectly mind you, but better. I have also been eating better and getting a little exercise. The other thing is I have been writing daily and setting goals for the day with my main goals in mind.
These steps combined have really helped me feel strong and happy.

Some of the things I have learned lately have been.. more faith....How extremely important it is that I become submissive to Heavenly Father. I need to follow his will.

I had a thought a few weeks ago that has been resonating with me since then.
It is ....HEAVENLY FATHER IS PERFECT
HEAVENLY FATHERS PLAN IS A PLAN OF HAPPINESS
MAN IS THAT HE MIGHT HAVE JOY
THEREFORE
PERFECT SUBMISSION TO HEAVENLY FATHERS WILL
EQUALS
PERFECT JOY!

when i remember this and keep a prayer in my heart to follow Christ and Heavenly Father
I fee joy.

I can not wait until someday I can do this perfectly and have perfect joy.

I pray my family and friends well and everyone learns this faster and better than me.

new beginning

My journey began last December. I don’t really know why then, but I was ready to change and so now I am working on that change.

Skinny is never what I have been. Although, as a kid, I thought that I was the skinny one in the family. I remember the first time I realized that I was not “skinny” was in jr high, and I really badly did not want to be one of the fat girls. I asked my mom how you lose weight, and she said I would have to not eat cookies and cakes and stuff. We were in the car on our way home from the grocery store, and as was the tradition she was opening a package of cookies to share. I said no thank you. I did not eat one. It felt really good, and was not that hard.

But something changed in me. I don’t really know what or when. But I became obsessed with food. So much so, that by the time my 5^th child was born, I was physically and mentally tormented by even the idea of being deprived of having food. I felt desperate and crazy for the 6 or 7 hours I was in the hospital in labor. I remember telling people that I could not stand “being in the hospital” but what I meant was: bring me cookies! Never told anyone that before.

Eight years ago when my youngest was two, I knew something needed to change. More than just food was out of control in my life. ….ok Life was out of control. I was losing my children. They saw me and my husband’s lifestyle for what it was, and associated it with what we professed it to be. So they turned their backs on the one thing we had to offer that could bring them ultimate joy. Why, probably because we had turned our backs on it, even though we were pretending to embrace it. That was the gospel of Jesus Christ. That is when I was introduced to 12 step programs as a means of addressing weight.

This program changed my life. . . . At least while I embraced it. It brought me back to the gospel of Jesus Christ; internally, spiritually, and emotionally. I also lost 70 pounds. As I experienced success, pride snuck back up on me. And one day I was just eating nonstop. Then before I knew it I was pretending again. And making excuses for my weight gain. “Life was stressful, you know”

I gained it all back plus more. And I lost the peace and joy I had felt for that year. Somewhere in there I quit looking at the scale, even when I went to the Dr. I caught glances, but I quickly put those numbers out of my head. At age 46 I was diagnosed with diabetes. But worse than this, I had become a compulsive liar. I was lying about everything including the diabetes.

But I couldn’t keep lying. Truth was beating me up. I could hardly walk. I felt like I just wanted to lie down and die. At the same time my husband had been facing diagnosis after diagnosis that was life threatening at worst, and debilitating at best. In Sept 2010 he had what was probably his 3^rd TIA, which were not really even treated, because of his other problems, and it hit me, my children (our youngest was 9) were going to be orphans…….soon.

I decided that I was going to start a diet with the new year (you know “resolutions” ) I had a Dr’s appointment on Dec 27^th. I didn’t really looked that close at the scale, but I saw that my weight started with a 3. But then it had for a long time. On Dec31st. I decided not to wait until Jan 1^st. and I began eating healthy and writing everything down. I did this through January and decided to join Patty in following “be healthy quick” program in February. I still struggled with “crazys” and obsessing about food and wanting to eat all of the time. My Heavenly Father loves me though, and a friend called me and asked me to join a study group to go through the LDS 12 step program.

Sometime toward the middle of February I went back to the Dr. for a medication follow-up. I knew I had lost weight and I wanted to know exactly how much. When I got on the scale I weighed 321. I almost died. How could that be?! When I asked how much I was on Dec 27^th she looked and said I had weighed 346. If you are reading this you should know, that I am now crying. It is killing me to write these numbers. To tell anyone how much I weigh is mortifying. I don’t want my friends and family to realize how out of control I was, but I was completely out of control. You do not get to this weight enjoying an occasional bowl of ice-cream with your hubby. Let me tell you, it requires seriously ugly, binging and eating immense amounts of calories. The worst part about this though isn’t the getting fat. It is the crazy, angry, selfish, behavior that was in fact my lifestyle. But my denial was powerful. Even when I knew I needed to change, I didn’t think I was the typical 300 pounder. And to find out I was well on my way to 400 lbs. was so painful. Yet I still think I was in denial even then.

So now it is September. I am still struggling sometimes. But I am working this program that is changing the way I feel. When I follow the program, I feel so great! I sleep less. I can walk faster. Not super-fast, but so much faster than before. The other day I had to climb a bunch of stairs. I faced them with my usual trepidation, but when I reached the top, I could hardly tell I had climbed stairs at all. I am going to try to remember to race up the next long flight of stairs, just to see how fast I can do it. Magically, my house is cleaner. And I really enjoyed planting and caring for flowers this year. I have found a new thrill. “CANNONBALLS” Okay. Really just jumps into the pool, but I sure didn’t do that the last 10 years. (oh and yes that is only because there is now a pool in our very private back yard) And guess what? I ordered my passport the other day.

A very huge part of this has been doing the 12 steps. As I live honestly, and seek the help of my Heavenly Father, I feel safe and sane. This in turn makes it easier to follow the program. Eating the prepared meals, and the one lean and green meal are so easy though, that I can stay on even when I am white knuckling it. Studying the Habits of Health, and getting the practical information, as well and the understanding and encouragement that I can live a lifestyle of optimal health is so exciting. I am truly looking forward to living this lifestyle and eating in a way that makes me feel alive. I really want to just shout it from the housetops. I want to serve others. I want to make a difference in the world.

I have a long way to go. I now weigh 257. I am not even half way to my goal. But I have amazing days filled with joy. Free of pain or ”fogging brain” syndrome. I know that I cannot do this alone, but that I don’t have to. I don’t just want to put off dying anymore. I really want to live.

Today.

Today's post is not the answer to any question. I have procrastinated writing but have decided to try again to do what is right. SO this is my journal writing. Today has been a good day. I started out feeling kind of bad about it, cause in my effort to make everyone else 'do what was right' I failed to do the right thing. But then as I was about to continue down my 'wise' path, I remembered that I was nothing. That is right, that I was failing because I was not capable of making my own decisions. So I stopped and prayed. Then I went forward in faith, and enjoyed a wonderful sabbath. I did not do the wise thing after that. As a matter of fact, some would say that my decision to drive home on an empty tank was stupid. But I made it. And I did not break the sabbath. Then the person I let down this morning with my 'wisdom' went for a walk (hike for me) up Table Rock. She was so patient and sweet with my struggle. Dinner was done when we got home, cause my sweet husband made a roast, and everyone is "behaving" So all in all it is a good day.

When Have I felt I was of infinite Worth

The answer to today's question.

I have had a couple of extremely sacred experiences where I have literally felt the love of Heavenly Father. Both of these experiences happened when I was feeling totally desperate. And I was crying out for help. Once for myself and once for another person. The assurance that I was of infinite worth was simultaneously present with the assurance that each of us are of infinite worth. The first experience was the result of feeling hurt, angry, perhaps even total hatred towards someone else. Along with the love I could feel for myself I new that Heavenly Father valued my enemy just as much as me. And that I could forgive. The second experience I was not understanding the suffering I was seeing another go through. Again, I felt the pure love Heavenly Father has for us, and our infinite worth. I am sure that my glimpses were just that glimpses. That I do not truly understand mine, or anyone Else's worth. As I reflect on the questions of the last week, And as I remember again these sweet experiences, It occurs to me that these true feelings of infinite worth have come as I have admitted in total humility my nothingness.

what is valuable

Value. How do we determine value? Jacob asked me last night what I would wish for If I had one wish. When I didn't answer he said that he would wish for a money press. I then proceeded to teach him about currency and how it was truly worthless. That we just use it to simplify trade of things we deem valuable.

This morning The question in my loop was How can we be of infinite worth and be nothing without God
This made me think of little children and how they feel so desperate sometimes with out their parents, yet can be confident and strong in the security of their home with parents.
Then I had a conversation with a young mother who was feeling like a failure because her homemaking skills were not perfect.
So what constitutes value. Do we have to accomplish something? Do we need to look a certain way? Serve a certain way? I am beginning to wonder if it is even possible to produce anything of real value? If we are vegetative we have value. When Larry was dying this last month, he gave very little in the way of what we want from someone. But he was valuable to his family. WHy? Why were we sad to lose him? It wasn't because he was waiting on us. IT wasn't because he was entertaining us. It wasn't because he was giving us gifts or money. In fact some may have defined his existence as a burden. Yet we wanted him to stay with us. We valued him as a person.
Heavenly Father values us because we are his children. Not because we are perfect. The commandments he gives us are for our benefit. Not to secure his love. We do not have to earn his love.
Sometimes in the church we forget about grace. Grace is the saving aspect of the atonement. It is the resurrection of all. It is the ability of Christ to make up for our shortcomings. And it is the pure amazing love that he has for us.

listening

I have been thinking a lot about listening lately. It bugs me when people don't listen. But I wonder if that is because it is so hard for me to listen. Last week I heard someone say how irritated they were with people that don't listen. This struck me as funny as I had often thought how much this same person did not listen to others very well. Later I heard someone else express frustrations on how another person did not listen. And someone said to me that I did not listen. Crazy.

So i have studied the art of listening. And I understand how to listen. Yet I still do not listen well. When I pay attention to how I listen my relationships improve. When I don't they deteriorate. I have noticed that I have more influence listening than I do talking. When someone listens to me I feel loved and valuable. When I am lectured I feel ignored. I love those who listen well. I also have noticed that when I listen to the spirit. I feel peace and power. When I don't things fall apart.
Goal for the week. Listening.

whine

So here I sit trying to think of something positive. All I can think of are whines. Which is sad really because I have not had a bad day.... so what is my deal... I wonder. Okay......Positive. I am blessed. I guess I am just tired. I did not accomplish all I needed but I did try to do good stuff. So I guess I need to not be angry and disappointed in myself or others.

Do Good Stuff

The Bishop said yesterday to just do good stuff. I have been wondering what percentage of my time is spent doing good stuff. Working is probably good. I need to do that. Being obedient. Reading the scriptures. etc. Today I did some good stuff. But I also spent some time being lazy. I don't think that I did really bad stuff. lets see.. I worked. I showered. Went for a walk with Liz and John... But I did whimp out early. I got Jakes part. Went grocery shopping. But ate a pepperoni stick. put groceries away. helped john. surfed the web. recorded food. did not eat a good dinner. So some good a little bad. What would a day completely full of Good stuff look like. I will try that tomorrow. What was my goal yesterday... Honesty. I think I am being honest today.

Honesty. # 1

What does it mean to be honest. Does it mean that I blurt out all of my feelings. Or does it mean that I I have to tell everything that happened to me. It does not. Besides what might be reality to me might not be to someone else. Being honest means never cheating. giving all that I say. keeping my promises and being true to my commitments. Sometimes it means being uncomfortable and being embarrassed. But it rarely means embarrassing someone else. Expressing my negative opinions does not mean being honest. My opinions are not equivalent to truth. Real truth, is rarely hurtful. It seems even when I do not want to admit the truth, when I do, It is not nearly as painful as the lie was. So my goal. Tell the truth. The real truth. 2011 is to be a year of truth.

tired ramblings

It has been a long week. I have done okay with some things and not so okay with others. I wish I could be some great spiritual giant. But I struggle. Not that I have never had a spiritual experience. I have had lots, and received many many blessings. I just feel like I don't really stay in tune with the Holy Ghost. IS that because I am rebellious? Tired? Disobedient? Dishonest? Probably all of the above. I guess Heavenly Father does bless me to know some of the important stuff. But I surely do not earn this inspiration. Do we need to earn inspiration? Hmmm... I wonder. Or do we just have to listen. Maybe I just am so busy being selfish, I do not listen. I wonder. Bottom line is all of the above are symptoms of selfish. If I understand this how do I stop. I think my kids are sometime much more mature than I am. How is that? Okay.... Maybe I need to make goals to be less selfish and to listen to inspiration more. I will have to do that. I commit to setting spiritual yet concrete goals by this time tomorrow.

New Day, New Year....not so new me.

Today is tough. Can I think of something positive? My heart aches today for my failing and for the consequences of that failing. Not my own consequences but the consequences suffered by my family.
Wow! I got interrupted and came back and read that. Is that selfish and prideful? I think when I wrote that, I was trying to sound all humble and repentant. It sounds more like another "everything is about me" statement though.

Okay. . . . . I want my children to be perfect for me. Therefore, if they are "perfect" I will look "perfect" because they came from me.

I know that is not true. but I want it to be. So now that my kids have made a few mistakes and "don't look so perfect" I am going to blame it on me too.

My thoughts are not even making sense to me. This is so confusing. Am I crazy? I wonder, I wonder if I will ever be sane.

Okay....so back to my poor choices. Those same kids, will someday come to understand that I am human. I have really screwed up. I have made terrible mistakes. I am not responsible for the choices they make as adults. I love them. I can work on loving them better. I can work on taking care of myself better. I can learn to understand Heavenly Fathers love.
So guys. My life is going to be shorter because of my choices. I may need assistance from you as my health deteriorates from my obesity. I am sorry. I am going to try and lose weight. But I can not do it to save you the heart ache of caring for me or losing me or not having me as available as I should be now. I have to do because Heavenly Father commanded us to take care of our bodies. Because He has commanded us to develop control of our natural man. And because I will be blessed. Because I will grow spiritually. Because I will feel better physically. Because I will have clearer thoughts.

Is That positive. Is this appropriate for this blog... I wonder . I think I will post it anyway.